Thanksgiving–Facts and Frustration

The Thanksgiving holiday is once again with us. No one truly knows when the first Thanksgiving took place. Some academics say it was in 1621, when the Pilgrims celebrated their harvest with a three day turkey feast in Plymouth Colony, Massachusetts. Others say the first Thanksgiving took place in Virginia in 1619.

Whatever, President George Washington called for a national day of thanksgiving in 1789, but it fell to Abraham Lincoln in 1863 to mandate that the holiday would take place at the end of November.

Here, thanks to Google, are some things we do know about the holiday’s dining.

• 272 million turkeys are typically raised in the United States each year. Minnesota accounts for 46 million.

• There are eight places named Cranberry or Cranbury (including one on the Pennsylvania turnpike near Pittsburgh), 28 Plymouths and one Pilgrim.

• Benjamin Franklin proposed that the American national symbol should be a turkey. It lost to the eagle.

• Turkeys have great eyesight. They can see movement almost a football field away.

• A scared turkey can run 20 miles an hour. Wild turkeys can fly 55 miles an hour for brief distances.

• Only male turkeys (called toms) gobble. The sound can be heard a mile away.

My own experience with serving turkey at Thanksgiving in the Wentz household has been anything but memorable. My family enjoyed the traditional meal with the cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie. They also expected me, as the patriarch of the clan, to do the carving. HORRORS. Most of my attempts at slicing manageable pieces from the bird have been unsuccessful. There is no particular skill needed to remove the wings, legs and thighs. That part is easy. It is the delicate act of carving thin slices from the breast that I have never mastered. I have failed with every kitchen tool from an electric knife to an finely honed Sheffield steel carving set. What next? A chain saw?

Actually, here is a possible solution to my dilemma. I could buy football helmets for my dinner guests and a 10 pound sledgehammer. After the diners don their helmets I would place the roasted turkey on a wooden platter in the center of the table. Then I would raise the sledgehammer as far over my head as my arms will allow. With all the force I can muster I will slam the hammer into the center of the turkey.

The first serving of turkey will be whatever lands on each diner’s plate. The second serving will be whatever is scraped off the walls and ceiling.